Category Archives: Humor

Introducing the “Blame Yourself” Movement


Are you tired of people not taking personal responsibility for their lives? Do excuses make you say “puh-leeze”? If so, the time has come for you to introduce your colleagues to the “Blame Yourself” movement.

“Blame Yourself” is a movement that solves many of the so-called “problems” and “injustices” of the world. Individuals can use self-blame as a tool to take 100% responsibility for everything that happens in their lives. While the “law” of attraction says that what happens in your life is dependent on the “vibes” you give off to the “universe,” “Blame Yourself” is much simpler. Whatever happens to or around you is your fault. No need to worry about what you are “attracting.”

“Blame Yourself” does not mean you are responsible for other people’s problems. In fact, you are welcome to encourage them to blame themselves. This means that if you allegedly offend someone else, they should blame themselves for feeling offended. While this new system may be rocky at first, once we can get everyone 100% on-board with self-blame, human life will be much simpler and more productive.

“Blame Yourself” can even be applied to problems which have been historically thought of as collective social injustices that affected individuals have no control over. This is great, because it means we can remove the burden of responsibility from social, cultural, economic, and governmental structures and strictures. Now, we just blame alleged “victims” for their problems. This completely removes the need to pursue social justice. In fact, it’s an example of social Darwinism in action, because people will either survive or perish from the pressure of self-blame.

“Blame Yourself” completely eliminates the need for insurance. In fact, it would be paradoxical for insurance companies to exist once self-blame is fully implemented. If something bad happens to your house, car, or body, then you can just blame yourself for not being better prepared or for not avoiding that situation.

One of the potential problems with “Blame Yourself” is that people may commit criminal acts with abandon. Fortunately, the “victims” of these acts can choose to blame themselves for allowing themselves to be targets. Therefore, they may be better prepared next time, such as by obtaining a concealed weapons permit. If a subsequent attacker gets the drop on them, they can just blame themselves for not being more alert.

“Blame Yourself” has already been implemented by the U.S. military. When civilians are injured or killed, they are encouraged to blame themselves. They knew what they were getting into when they went to church or school in a warzone. Collateral damage is always the responsibility of the victims. The simply failed to make wiser choices. This is a smart model, because it absolves warfighters from debilitating emotions such as anger and remorse. This allows them to maintain optimal productivity.

“Blame Yourself” could instantly eliminate the U.S. national deficit. In fact, it eliminates the need for all services entirely. Schools and power plants do not need to function, because if any child or adult lacks for education or electrical power, they can just Blame Themselves™. While this would produce anarchy in our present society, assuming we get everyone on board with self-blame, such a society would be close to paradise.

The one big problem with the “Blame Yourself” movement is that it requires 100% cooperation from the entire population. This would be very difficult to implement, because people tend to not want to Blame Themselves™ unless everyone else is doing it. However, a deeper analyses reveals that this is actually a strength, because it is 100% impossible to disprove that “Blame Yourself” would not work, because such a system could never be implemented. Therefore, “Blame Yourself” is in good company. According to Wikipedia, an authoritative source, 85% of the human population believes in a religion. These religions, like “Blame Yourself,” are based on faith, because they are 100% incapable of being disproved. Therefore, if it’s possible to get 85% of the human population to believe in something that shares this essential characteristic of “Blame Yourself,” then we could surely implement “Blame Yourself” by subtly changing their religions over time.

Thus, it stands to reason that the 15% of people who refuse to subscribe to “Blame Yourself” would be Supermen™ and Superwomen™ in a class unto themselves. Their responsibility would be implementing and ensuring compliance among the proletarians. These 15% would not really need “Blame Yourself,” yet they may find themselves strangely envious of the self-blaming masses…

Teaching at Its Worst

As a student in Preparing Tomorrow’s Faculty, a free not-for-credit program for graduate students at University of Central Florida, I am reading Teaching at Its Best: A Research-Based Resource for College Instructors by Linda B. Nilson. I thought it would be amusing to come up with some ideas for chapters or sections of Teaching at Its Worst, a textbook that exists only in my mind.

How to overcome the efficacious learner
Competitive grading strategies
Increasing participation with pop quizzes
Imposing your agenda on students
Honor trials in the classroom

Lowering grades with subtractive credit
Detecting plagiarism with Google Maps
How to prevent students from emailing you
Syllabi with teeth
Applying the DMCA to

Setting boundaries when dating your students
Exceptions to “there are no stupid questions”
13 rules for drinking with your students
Making students better listeners
Cell phone jammers and you

Never do yard work again
10 ideas for a surprise field trip
Grading papers using friends and family
Incorporating GRE vocabulary into your lecture
Crushing your students’ hopes and dreams